The one thing people don't talk about with weddings is how a woman feels when she has to change her name. Some brides might not even think twice, or may even be excited at getting their new married name. However, I know some of you may feel like you're losing a part of you, it's your identity and has been since forever so of course it's going to feel strange.
Just like when we had kids, I didn't want them to have JUST their Fathers name. Even though we were in a happy relationship, why was it fair that the 'done thing' was to have his surname and not mine? I'm not a feminist but I did question why I was 'meant' to give my children this surname that was different to mine.. especially when I grew and birthed them (yes I'm playing that card). But then of course it wasn't fair on Joe if I only gave the kids my surname so what were we to do? We decided to double barrel our children's names so they had a bit of both of us. Mine first, Joe's second, so they're Dowling-Asman.
When it came to getting married years later (because we did things the untraditional way), I felt the same. Why should I take my fiancé's surname? My surname doesn't necessarily mean anything in a way that I have to carry it on but it's sentimental in the fact that it's mine, and that it's what I've always known, and been known as. I didn't want to lose that part of me, so again I chose to legally double barrel it. Now this means I'm also the same as my children. My logic in this was, I didn't feel like I was losing me, but instead just adding to my future.
Joe didn't want to double barrel his to include Dowling, his surname means a lot to him and his family and has done for generations so it wasn't really a question for him to change his, even though he's now the odd one out with his single surname. Although we are known as Mr & Mrs Asman, and I will always refer to myself as Jade Asman unless for a legal reason, so it's still kind of like I took his name.
It's very normal to have these similar feelings, whether it's because your name has meaning, or it holds a special place in your heart, or you need to continue the family name, or just because. There's many reasons and whatever your reason, it's totally valid.
Here's a couple of options that you can do with your surname:
#1 - Suck it up
Sounds cruel and this isn't something I was willing to do. But you can try and focus on the idea that your name will change and start the process of getting over it, and I'm sure as time passes, you will.
#2 - Double barrel both of your names
Like I've spoken about above, do what I did, be greedy and have both. You can still be known as Mr & Mrs X, whilst you still legally have your maiden name.
#3 - Both double barrel to have eachothers
Similar to #2, but your husband to be can also take your name so you end up having the same surname, and have taken eachothers which is actually a really loving and binding thing to do.
#4 - Have your fiancé take your surname.
Not something you hear of a lot, but this is totally acceptable, especially if your name means so much to you. It's not typically done as it's thought to 'emasculate' the man, but we're in 2022 after all so why not?
#5 - Merge your names
Did you know you can actually merge your surnames to create a new surname? For example if we wanted to merge ours we could have had Dowman or Asling. Maybe your surnames mashed up make a really cool name?
#6 - Pick a brand new name to both have
Not a popular option given the idea is that you don't want to lose your name, but if you can't come to an agreement on what to do, maybe scrap it all and just think up a new one that you can begin married life together with.
#7 - Use your maiden name as a middle name
Similar to the double barrelled idea, but instead of your maiden name being part of your surname, have it as your middle name so it's still legally there but you're still going to be legally Mrs X.
#8 - Neither of you change your name
You don't actually have to change your name at all. You can both be legally married and still have your own surnames. I know usually the whole point is to be known as Mr & Mrs X, but if your individual names mean more to you than having the same one then so be it.
Whatever you decide on, all that matters is that you have the most amazing wedding day and an even better marriage. And of course, if you need a venue stylist you know where you can find one! Get in touch if you would like anymore information!
Jade - The Wedding Attic
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